By Mark Azzara
My Dear Friend,
Most mornings, even before my feet hit the floor, I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of what may lie ahead, but I have learned that I can’t give in to that pressure. For decades I have set aside the first part of my day for prayer, where I offer up all that garbage as my gift to God. But in addition to conversational prayer and my versions of several familiar “scripted” prayers, I try to be silent for a while and simply rest in the Lord’s presence.
I believe God wants me to live in the constant awareness of his presence, but on some days this objective is easier said than achieved. For example, on Thursday I had a doctor’s appointment, after which I was to drive an hour to meet a friend for lunch. I already had an idea of what I would do with the rest of my day but all that went out the window when I noticed a message on my cellphone screen: “Invalid card.”
I couldn’t use my phone until I got that problem fixed so I called my carrier on the doctor’s land line. I couldn’t wait five days to get a new sim card in the mail so I was told to buy one at Target, then call them back so they could walk me through the installation process and complete it on their end.
Yes, I prayed. I asked God to resolve the problem, and yet I feared that the real issue was a malfunctioning phone (which the carrier’s agent said was possible) and that I would be tied up the rest of the day, running out to buy a new one, then borrowing somebody’s phone and to call the carrier yet again. I prayed with a snippy attitude, as in, “Why do I have to bother with stuff like this?” In the midst of the annoyance I think God said, “What makes you different from everybody else?”
I got the card around 3 p.m., long after lunch was over, then called my carrier on a friend’s cellphone. As it turns out, the problem was the card, not the phone. In five minutes everything was back to normal.
Yes, this was an annoyance and I lost some time dealing with it. I had no choice. But I did have a choice when it came to grumbling and buying into needless fears — e.g., how will I call for help if my car breaks down on the way to lunch? That’s what distracted me from the awareness that God was close.
When I got home I tried to deal with the accumulated stress by sitting quietly in the hope it would evaporate, to no avail. At around 4 p.m. as both the sun and my mood were starting to sink, I drove to the mall to walk for an hour, which usually cheers me up (I always get a laugh looking at the prices retailers charge these days). But the brutal cold wind on the brief walk to my car stole that victory, and so I sought comfort at dinner — a big bowl of chili and an equally big salad.
It wasn’t until after dinner that I finally brought this mess to God. That’s when I remembered what my pastor had said, and then adapted it to fit these new circumstances. Jesus is the Lord of my schedule, the Lord of my cellphone, the Lord of my annoyances and exhaustion, the Lord who remains in control of my life, no matter what.
I had lost my focus on him and thus missed the opportunity to rejoice that God was answering my most basic prayer by remaining close to me. Had I recalled all the times when Jesus has saved me so deftly in the midst of other, more trying problems — like the time my transmission failed on the interstate — I might have laughed off this phone failure. But I didn’t remember.
I was tempted later to rebuke myself for not remembering and thus not living in the conscious awareness of God’s presence. But at least I have learned that I am forbidden to judge myself. All I could do at day’s end was ask God’s forgiveness, get a good night’s sleep and, with his grace, start over in the morning.
In this case, starting over meant confronting the need to rebuild a big chunk of my phone directory. I’m at a loss to figure out how, apart from going through written phone lists and re-entering all those numbers. I could get edgy and nervous and pressured but ….
I’m learning that God’s lessons are cumulative. With every difficulty I learn a more deeply about God’s caring and how not to be so anxious and self-critical, to let it go and re-turn to God. These mistakes are the classroom where the master teacher is always present and is always encouraging me, without criticism, to continue striving toward more perfect trust, more perfect rest. I guess that old adage is true: Practice makes perfect.
All God’s blessings – Mark
