A lifetime of friendship built on common values and uncommon experiences

A lifetime of friendship built on common values and uncommon experiences

Commentary by Pete Haug | FāVS News

Cal celebrated his 90th birthday this December with 60+ friends at his party. I wasn’t able to make it, but I heard about it. Cal is my oldest friend in two senses — in actual age and in the total years we’ve known each other. I’ll be 89 this month, and I’ve known Cal since I was 8. 

If you consider other factors, we go back more than a century to the early 1900s. My mother’s parents lived across the street from his mother’s parents. My mother grew up with both of Cal’s parents. But this is only hearsay. Neither of us was around then.

Cal and I drifted apart as our individual lives and interests diverged and converged intermittently. He lives in California, I in Washington. We renewed our friendship about 20 years ago when Cal visited me and my wife Jolie in northeastern China. We were teaching English in the old Manchurian city of Dalian about halfway between Beijing and Pyongyang, North Korea. 

Cal and I now try to schedule biweekly chats to catch up. Our conversations range far and wide. We’ve agreed we’re getting old but refuse to dwell on the fact. Our unfocused discussions lead from one topic to another until one of us is called to dinner. 

Topics for duffers

What can two old duffers talk about every other week? Health is one possibility. I frequently chat with other friends in my decade, some considerably younger. Many flatten my ear with detailed dissertations about aches, pains, pills and costs. But Cal and I are both surprisingly healthy except for my encroaching blindness from degenerating maculae. Some conversations touch on creative political speculation. (Not recommended; we both remember Hitler, World War II and the first atom bomb.) 

Other topics include Cal’s recurring adventures with a play-reading group he’s been involved with for years. In their last performance, Cal was both assistant director and universal understudy. They don’t just read; they rehearse and give public performances. 

Cal’s always been a fan of drama, from Shakespeare to grand opera, as well as British comedy. He knows storylines, plots and key dialogs from many. He loves to provide background information on famous actors and the roles they portrayed. I share many of those interests, though without Cal’s in-depth knowledge. He’s a Wikipedia drama.

I, on the other hand, have sung all my life, from early soprano days of high descants to bass-baritone renditions of Broadway tunes, operatic arias and choral singing, after my voice settled. I still sing and plunk my banjo when nobody’s listening. But it was choral singing that led me to my wife of 63 years. 

The musical side of marriage

Both Cal and I attended Hamilton College, though not at the same time. I sang in the choir, then an all-male ensemble. We performed challenging music and did it well, singing concerts from Buffalo, New York, to New York City. But we needed women’s voices for the really good stuff.

In the spring of 1960, my senior year, the women’s chorus from the Craine School of Music at Potsdam, New York, joined our choir for a full orchestral performance of Bach’s Mass in B Minor. 

Jolie was a voice major at Craine. I’d met her before. This time we clicked. We married a year later and have sung folk songs over six decades all the way to China. Yet, whenever we hear the B Minor Mass, we gaze into each other’s eyes and, in two-part harmony, repeat affectionately, “Listen, Dear, they’re playing our song.” 

More recently, at his birthday party, Cal and his wife Ginny may have matched that with their duet of “Aba Daba Honeymoon,” performed to rave reviews.  

Life’s twists and turns

Cal’s life fascinates me. We’ve both had multiple careers, but their directions diverged. Straight from a prestigious law school, Cal began practicing with a corporate law firm. He wasn’t happy. 

After a year he joined the California Attorney General’s office. Three years later he still wasn’t happy. So he entered a Christian seminary, became a pastor and served multiple congregations for a decade. After more second (third?) thoughts, Cal rejoined the Attorney General’s office to finish his career. 

I also had multiple careers, beginning as a writer after college. Five years later I entered graduate school, ending with a doctorate in systems ecology. With federal, state and Native American government agencies, I analyzed environmental impacts before teaching English in China for 11 years. I still write.

Unity of beliefs and values

When we started our conversations, Cal knew little about the Baha’i faith, yet we’re unified in our basic values — he as a Christian, I as a Baha’i. As Baha’u’llah wrote, “So powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole earth.” The unifying values we share illuminate our 80-year friendship.

The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.