Every one of us has been hurt by another person. Unfortunately, it probably wasn’t just an isolated incident. The fact of the matter is you have probably been hurt in recent memory or are currently dealing with a tumultuous relationship with someone at this very time. Such is the nature of being in fellowship with others. So obviously the answer to avoiding pain is to shut ourselves off from outside contact with the world right? For the majority of my life this was my response to all of the hurt that I suffered at the hands of others.
Since I was about 13 years old I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was ridiculed throughout the entirety of my grade school career, many times by the people that I held nearest to my heart. I felt rejected and worthless on good days, utterly alone and void of purpose on bad days. I would lay awake at night and allow the memories of the day to denigrate me to the point of believing that my life was useless and that I would be better off dead. Not many days could pass by without the tantalizing thought of ending my life finding it‘s way into my consciousness. In response to the pain, I shut myself off. I did not allow a single soul near my heart; not my parents, not my best friends, not romantic interests. I was always willing for people to pour themselves out on me, but very infrequently, if at all, would I bear my own soul to another person. It hurt too much to get close to someone knowing that someday, somewhere, at sometime they would injure our relationship. Throughout all of this I still had love for others, I just didn’t have love for myself. It was only recently I realized that it wasn’t the pain I suffered at the hands of others that drove me to ponder suicide, it was my lack of love for my own being. This was the greatest tragedy, not the insults.
A C.S. Lewis quote has always stuck in my mind. It’s a simple piece about the heart:
“To “Love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
To love is to be vulnerable. So many of us are sick and tired of being vulnerable because we are taken advantage of and are disregarded at every turn it seems. The natural response is the path that I took previously in my life. The more we’re hurt, the easier it becomes to disassociate ourselves from our emotions, the easier it becomes to lock our hearts in a casket. I believe Lewis was right when he said our hearts would become irredeemable if left in the motionless dark. At the height of my depression I actually felt my heart begin to change into a thing devoid of any signs of life. This was evidenced by the fact that frequently throughout the day I could entertain the thought of ending my life and feel no shred of remorse or grief for myself or any other person that might be hurt. Ironically enough, I had taken the place of my peers. They weren’t the ones throwing stones anymore, Eli was.
So one has to ask, why on earth would anyone put themselves through the hassle of maintaining relationships that inevitably hurt us and injure our trust of others?
The answer is because we need it.
I recently finished my internship at Moody Bible Institute. I was a part of a research team that conducted a study of moral development on my school. We administered a psychological inventory called the Defining Issues Test that measures morality present within an individual based on prior research done by Lawrence Kohlberg and James Rest. Long story short, possibly the most common theme we encountered was conflict. We found that individuals who had reported more tension in their lives tended to have higher scores on the Defining Issues Test than those that reported having low-stress lives. What this may imply is that conflict is a necessary component of life because it forces issues to a point. It mandates growth within an individual. A person with a relatively stress-free life can go on with feelings of contentment and never grow emotionally or intellectually because why should they? Their needs are met and they are “happy” with where they are. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. However, the rest of us that seem to be constantly dealing with stress and pain do not have that luxury. So we are pushed into a crossroads. We can either ignore the cause of tension and leave it where it lie, or we can confront it and make it change. The first option leaves us in an unreconciled state of disarray. We can count on never having consistent friendships or relationships because as soon they go awry, the damage is done and there is no motivation to mend the burnt bridge. The second option however doesn’t yield the same results. Though at the time it is probably more painful to engage the situation, once the dilemma has been addressed the relationship can being to heal. The pain starts to go away. This cannot be achieved if we turn tail and run at the very sight of tension. This is why we need conflict in our lives.
This concept can translate into any segment of life; whether it be work-related relationships, friendships, familial relations, or even within the church. You aren’t going to like what I’m about to say but it’s something that weighs heavily upon me. Simply put, we need to hurt. I’m not basing this statement solely on the findings of my internship research, I’m basing it on my own assessment of life. My depression was not the result of being injured in relationships (though it contributed); it was the result of trying to not feel anything anymore. A broken heart can go on living, but a heart made of stone has no life at all.
As you continue your life, I hope that you would consider these words. I don’t claim to have any sort of solution to pain in our lives and if you had asked me a few years ago whether it was better to turn off our emotions than to continue suffering at the hands of others I would have given you an emphatic yes. I cannot in good conscience give you this reply any longer. We have the choice of confronting tension in our lives or ignoring it. Though being vulnerable and having relationships brings pain, it is merely a by-product. Wisdom and deeper, more satisfying relationships are the results. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather grow at the cost of suffering than remain where I am in exchange for what some like to call happiness. Though I doubt that it is true happiness.
Join us for our next Coffee Talk, where we'll examine relationships and spirituality. It will be at 10 a.m., June 1 at Morning Sun Bakery. Sowry is a panelist.
