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The Boobie Bandit Steals Baby Jesus

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[todaysdate]

By Eric Blauer

The war on Christmas is a reality, well, at least it was at St, Peter’s Square when a Ukrainian feminist snatched the little nativity Jesus in a rush of topless protest. The words “God is a woman” were written on her torso, for all bewildered worshippers to contemplate.

What are we to do with these full frontal feminists?

Do such displays of public disturbance help or hurt the issues they are meant to highlight?

If breasts are merely baby shakes as the breastfeeding community has been reminding the nipple nazis, than why make them so sensational at the same time?

In one moment they are supposed to be as common as a chaffed wenis and in the next, they are unleashed like the hounds of Baskervilles!

I am getting confused by Chelsea Handler’s Instagram mammary machinations and the naked burka battles.

 I am not sure if I should look, turn away or what?

What is the correct male response to this topless tide?



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Eric Blauer
Eric Blauerhttp://fcb4.tumblr.com/
I am Frederick Christian Blauer IV, but I go by Eric, it sounds less like a megalomaniac but still hints at my Scandinavian destiny of coastal conquest and ultimate rule. I have accumulated a fair number of titles: son, brother, husband, father, pastor, writer, artist and a few other more colorful titles by my fanged fans. I am a lover of story be it heard, read or watched in all beauty, gory or glory. I write and speak as an exorcist or poltergeist, splashing holy water, spilling wine and breaking bread between the apocalypse and a sleeping baby. I am possessed by too many words and they get driven out like wild pigs and into the waters of my blog at www.fcb4.tumblr.com. I work as a pastor at Jacob's Well Church (www.jacobswellspokane.com) across the tracks on 'that' side of town. I follow Christ in East Central Spokane among saints, sinners, angels, demons, crime, condoms, chaos, beauty, goodness and powerful weakness. I have more questions than answers, grey hairs than brown, fat than muscle, fire than fireplace and experience more love from my wife, family and friends than a man should be blessed with in one lifetime.

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Tom Schmidt
Tom Schmidt
9 years ago

Eric, I object to your supposed humorous name calling which you substitute for reasoning. I think it is good to finally be able to worship an image of god that displays the abundant nurturing of the universe. That certainly was more to Jesus’ message than the deadly torture and bloody sacrifice that the patriarchy has imposed on the stories of the nativity. The proper male response. Why not the one my mother taught me — respectful worship.

Eric Blauer
Eric Blauer
9 years ago
Reply to  Tom Schmidt

Tom, you lost me at the first swipe.

Melissa Earl
Melissa Earl
9 years ago

I thought all the alliteration was hilarious. Thought-provoking questions, too! What is a tasteful man to do? I have no answers for you, just appreciation for the intent behind the questions.

Eric Blauer
Eric Blauer
9 years ago
Reply to  Melissa Earl

Thanks Melissa.

Liv Larson Andrews
Liv Larson Andrews
9 years ago

I’m really uncertain what you are saying or asking here, Eric.

Eric Blauer
Eric Blauer
9 years ago

Jeepers…I saw a topless lady steal Christ out of the Vatican’s Creche…isn’t that enough of a Christmas oddity to warrant a tongue-in-check response? Someone had to say something about that! Of course there’s lots to extrapolate in many directions but geewilikers, it’s funny too. That laugh led me to pontificate about a few other chest related conundrums i’ve witnessed bump across my newfeeds. I lightly referenced those other events in an attempt to provide Tracy with a short article vs another long one of mine that few probably read. One question I asked was: “Do such displays of public disturbance help or hurt the issues they are meant to highlight?” Isn’t that a valid open ended question? I don’t think brandish their breasts for a response from the lady culture, so I am probably the target, especially being one of those diabolical white, conservative, middle class, married, educate manbeasts. Sooooo, I am pondering openly. Sorry if my muse isn’t clear, that’s probably because I am not sure of the intended point of this theatrical nude mood.

Hyphen
Hyphen
9 years ago

I find the use of the phrase, “Nipple nazi” to be completely uncalled for.

Eric Blauer
Eric Blauer
9 years ago
Reply to  Hyphen

When I hear fellow conservatives blather in a rabid manner about women breastfeeding in public and the horror of it all, I think they are acting like ‘nipple nazis”. When I read fellow evangelicals preach about purity in a way that denigrates the beauty and sacredness of the human body, I think they sound like “nipple nazis”. It’s a phrase I used to over-emphasizes the overinflated problem they get all flustered about.

Hyphen
Hyphen
9 years ago
Reply to  Eric Blauer

Disagreements, arguments, and behavior with which you disagree are not genocide.

Eric Blauer
Eric Blauer
9 years ago
Reply to  Hyphen

Definitely not on par with genocide, valid observation.

corbin
corbin
9 years ago
Reply to  Hyphen

True, but I don’t think that is the intended meaning.

Elizabeth Erin
Elizabeth Erin
9 years ago

I think it’s important to look at the underlying message as more important than the vehicle. Yes, some deliveries are meant to be more sensational than others. But the overall message I get from the “God is woman” thing is that people are asking for more equality and legitimacy. The topless thing is secondary. And isn’t the real point IMO.

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