One of my holiday traditions is watching sentimental Christmas movies. So, I spent much (too much) of my free time between Thanksgiving and Christmas watching these movies. One of the themes running through most of them is this notion that there is one ‘right’ person out there somewhere for each of us — our soul mate. Several of this season’s movies actually used that term. Unfortunately, many people seem to believe that we can find our one and only soul mate.
I believe that the myth of finding one’s soul mate is at the heart of much that is going badly in our intimate relationships, particularly our ongoing tendency to get divorced. We do not find a soul mate. There is not one perfect person waiting out there somewhere who is my perfect partner, who completes me.
That is not to say I do not believe in a soul mate. I do. But it’s is developed, not discovered.
A true soul mate is someone that we have come to know intimately — at a soul-deep level — and with whom we develop a strong connection. It does not happen (or fail to happen) serendipitously. It takes work, lots of work. And that is the source of the problem. Because of the myth that one’s soul mate is out there somewhere waiting to be found, we do not do the work that is necessary. The reality is that there are any number of people (perhaps even an infinite number) out there (or right here) who could, with effort and commitment, become my soul mate.
But most of us do not understand this. Instead, we fall in love with someone and experience the amazing hormone high that comes with that. We then convince ourselves that we’ve finally found our true soul mate. So we go into the relationship with unreasonable expectations. This is my soul mate, so clearly s/he will know what I need without me having to ask. S/he will anticipate my needs before I’m aware of them. I don’t have to explain myself all the time because s/he ‘gets me’ so completely. S/he reads my mind, completes my sentences. But when the initial euphoria of falling in love wears off, I am disappointed to discover that this person does not fulfill my expectations. The relationship begins to feel like work rather than pleasure. I must have been mistaken about this person being my soul mate, because it would not be this hard if s/he was.
The hard reality is that all good relationships take work. The couples that I’ve met over the years who have really good relationships (the ‘made for each other’ couple who make it look so easy) have all worked hard to build those relationships. If you are ever privileged to hear such a couple tell their deep story, they will tell you about how it almost didn’t happen. Or about how close they came to giving up and breaking up. About the times of miscommunication, hurt and anger. But when two people who have chemistry (that mysterious something that brings to people together in a passionate relationship) are both willing to invest time and effort in the relationship, it is possible to grow into one another’s soul mate.
And a real relationship of this sort is truly a blessing. Years of listening to one another (and really hearing); years of working on clear and honest communication leading to deep trust; year of hurts and mistakes, followed by genuine regret and forgiveness. Years of playing and laughing and crying and working together. These are the experiences that build a soul mate relationship. What I find sad is how few people in our culture are willing to do this work. Perhaps if we stopped buying the myth of ‘finding’ the one perfect person out there, we would be more willing to do the work to develop a soul mate — to take the time and effort to grow with someone special into a wonderful, passionate, amazingly fulfilling relationship.
You asked for it…………Way to put me on the spot (since I’ve just begun nurturing a new relationship). I enjoyed Deb’s article and can appreciate her perspective. That said, I do not believe in soul mates. I believe that throughout the course of our lives we discover attraction and fall in love with people for various reasons, the primary one being that they are the right person, given our stage of personal growth and development- at the right time. I recognize when I find it, because that person fosters balance and calm in my often fast-paced life, we’re easily in sync and I find peace in her company. Although there are people who find a “perfect for me” partner and live a lifetime together, I have found my own evolution to seldom be in step with another person for very long. It’s been both a wonderful thing and a process which has lead me to feel an outsider whilst others enjoy relationships. “Soul Mate” connotes a Universal hand or destiny in what I suspect is a likely a combination of both chance, and the direction and energy we put into guiding our own destiny. All this in mind, I have sometimes felt pessimistic, acknowledging the reality about how the numbers play to my disadvantage as a lesbian and having approximately 3-4% of any given population from whom to chose as a partner. I have been lucky to share parts of my life with people who have taught me a great deal about myself, and the type of relationship I would like to have. More importantly than seeking the one who feels like the “Soul Mate” is being open to vulnerability and the softness loving someone brings into our lives; loving their flaws and demonstrating a dedication to cultivating what the two share, no matter how they title it. Perhaps if lucky, it will last a lifetime.
Thanks for your comments Chris (and you’re welcome). I was just chatting with a friend the other night about soul mates. He said he doesn’t believe in them, adding that his friends call him unromantic. But is it unromantic, or just realistic? Or, can we have multiple soul mates – friends, romantic partners, etc.? Either way, as Deb says, a successful relationship takes loads of works. And, as you said – soul mate makes it sound like something larger is at hand – almost…predestination-like. Hmm…Maybe you have to have it to believe it?
Anyone else want to chime in here?
[…] This week the Rev. Deb Conklin at Spokane Faith & Values wrote that soul mates aren’t found, they’re created. […]
Can’t pass this one up.
Soul connections and how we go about relationships is definitely as wide a discussion as religion itself. To say that soul mates are developed not discovered ain’t quite right. To say such a thing would be to deny when I DISCOVERED Jesus (or Buddha) for myself (and we’ve been together ever since). This does NOT mean, however, that my relationships with Buddha and Jesus have not been (and continue to be) of deep personal investment and sacrifice on my part.
I DO agree with you we must commit to WORK on ourselves to be capable of a lasting soulmate relationship. While a true mate CAN fall into one’s lap, a lasting RELATIONSHIP cannot.
And, Deb, trust me, there are NOT infinite possible soul mates out there for you (me either), though I do believe we can experience infinite soul CONNECTIONS throughout our lives and each can experience different degrees of commitment and exploration in relationship. The ONE we each CHOOSE to be with from here on out? That’s easy. It’s the one we each feel most comfortable on the dance floor with. 🙂 Which came first, chick or egg? Does it really matter?
My wife and I when we first got married we didn’t even love each other. But with the gospel and working at our relationship we grew to love each other. I can not describe how much I love my wife and kids and grandkids. I would do anything for them. This Feb. the 14th we will have our 22 anniversary.