No sex is safe sex.

This question is timely for me, as I recently watched the 2010 documentary Let's Talk About Sex, which, “takes a revealing look at how American attitudes towards adolescent sexuality affect today’s teenagers.” The film examines how American society's attitudes toward sex–and specifically sex education–are hurting our young adults.

The film contrasts American teens with Dutch teens, and one scene that illustrates the divide particularly well is when the filmmakers interview a teenage Dutch girl about condom use in the Netherlands. She said that everyone carries condoms with them at all times (and even showed the camera the condom in her purse). They don't do it because they're trying to have sex, they do it in case they have sex. They understand that you don't always plan on when you're going to have sex, and it's better to be prepared than to be caught without any protection at all. The Dutch teen said she would think poorly of a young man who didn't keep a condom with him.

The filmmakers then traveled to the United States and asked American teens what they would think about a guy who carries condoms with him. Everyone agreed that he wouldn't be thought of very highly, and would generally be considered to be a pervert. One girl said she wouldn't “want to be hanging around with someone that is that ready.” When asked what they would think of a girl who carried condoms with her, the American teens replied that they would think she was “loose,” “a slut,” and “kind of a whore.” Ironically, the kids interviewed were statistically likely to be sexually active.

Let's be clear: No sex is safe sex. That is to say, there is no type of sex that is safe, and not having sex is the only sure way to be safe. Abstinence clearly has a place in comprehensive sex education, but it can't be the only thing we teach our kids. Assuming that teens will be able to control their urges simply doesn't work. Multiple studies have confirmed that, at best, abstinence-only sex education delays sexual activity by only a couple of years, and at worst, ends in an increase in unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Indeed, communities that teach abstinence-only often have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STIs.

Abstinence works, but abstinence-only sex ed doesn't. To continue to think that it does is akin to putting our fingers in our ears and shouting “LA LA LA!” until it's too late. As parents, it is each our duty to protect our child, as well as prepare them for life on their own. Comprehensive sex education goes a long way toward accomplishing both of these goals.

That doesn't mean that we need to take a flippant attitude toward sex. We should still be teaching our kids the moral side of things, explaining that sex is more than just something you do for fun, and that an physical bond paired with an emotional bond is sacrosanct.

The ultimate responsibility lies with our children, but if we give them the knowledge and tools they need to stay safe, the odds are much greater that they will.