Learning about forgiveness the hard way

I grew up in a small Methodist church in a small town. And along with everyone else, I learned to say “I forgive you” whenever and adult told me to. Unfortunately, I did not learn about real forgiveness. If my older brother hurt me, he had to say, “I’m sorry.” And I had to say, “I forgive you.” The problem is, he wasn’t sorry, he was still angry. And I wasn’t ‘forgiving’, I was still hurt (and often angry also). We were never given the opportunity to work through our emotions, and genuinely reconcile with one another. 

I finally learned about forgiveness at age 36, when my husband, the father of our then 4-year-old son, and our daughter on the way, left me for a young student of his. In the process he said and did many hurtful things. And over the years, he continued to do and say hurtful things. At first, I simply lived in pain — deep, emotional and spiritual pain. While dating, we had talked about the significance of marriage in our faith backgrounds — his Roman Catholic and mine Methodist (by then United Methodist). And we promised that we would invest time and effort to make our marriage work, because neither of us believed in divorce.

Yet here I was, 13 years later, with a 4-year-old and a baby on the way, trying to understand what had happened to our plans, our dreams, our family. I had followed him across five states and helped put him through graduate school. And now I was going to be on my own, trying to start over with two small children. Greg never asked for forgiveness. He never, ever, admitted to doing anything wrong. In fact, the problems that lead him to leave were all my fault. He pretty much abandoned two wonderful, delightful, incredible, children rather than put up with me. To this day he has not learned how to be husband (he’s on wife number three) or father.

As I tried to deal with my pain, anger, hurt and humiliation, I came to realize that if I did not forgive him, I would ruin the rest of my life and the lives of our children. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I had to let go of my pain and anger. I had to set them aside and encourage my children to have as much of a relationship with their father as they could. When he didn’t call or show up for visits as promised, I comforted them. When he forgot a birthday, I made excuses for him (which were actually excuses for the well-being of the children). When he didn’t pay court ordered expenses, we did without. And I had to let go of each and every new hurt, new challenge.

I also learned not to expect him to change — not ever. He was never going to stop doing hurtful, selfish things to our children. He was never going to stop being who he is. So, with full awareness that he would continue to be himself, I continued to forgive him and to help my children forgive him….again and again and again. Sometimes there were things we could do to avoid being hurt. We learned not to expect calls or visits more than twice a year. I learned not to tell them that their dad was (maybe) coming until he actually showed up. I learned not to get them medical / dental care unless I could pay for it myself.

What I learned about forgiveness is this: 
Forgiveness is not about healing for the person who has hurt you. It is about healing for yourself. It is not about accepting an apology gracefully. It is about forgiving when there is no apology. But it is also not about trusting that the other person is going to change. It is about forgiving them just as they are, and letting go of the hurt. And NOT expecting them to change — ever. And it’s not about thinking that someday there will be ‘justice’. There won’t. Forgiveness is as simple as letting go of the hurt and anger, and moving on with a healed spirit. And it is that difficult.

Forgiveness is the topic of our next Coffee Talk on July 6. Rice is a panelist.