When Trust Is Broken, Renewing Credibility Is Hard but Necessary

When Trust Is Broken, Renewing Credibility Is Hard but Necessary

Commentary by Steven A. Smith

Trust is the foundation of any meaningful personal relationship.

But what happens when you violate the trust of a person important in your life? Can trust be regained?

Last week, I broke the trust of someone important to me. The details are unimportant. But the principles involved and the road to redemption are worth discussion.

In my ethics classes at the University of Idaho I talked about trust in my unit on truth and honesty. The subjects are linked, of course.

In the media world, a news organization builds trust over time. A consistent record of honesty and truth-telling over the years — or the firm belief that an organization is telling the truth (see Fox News followers) — is required before consumers will come to trust the organization.

And that trust goes away the instant truth is betrayed.

Philosophers agree that truth is a so-called first principle at the center of human interaction. Media ethicist Louis Day says this, “The commitment to truth is perhaps the most ancient and revered ethical principle of human civilization.”

So, you would think that in an ethical society, people would, at all times, tell the truth and nothing but the truth.

That is certainly the expectation in the media world. Even little lies damage trust and credibility. Big lies can be devastating.

The New York Times may still be the single most trusted news source in the world. But that trust and the credibility that goes with it crashed and burned in 2003 when it was discovered that Times reporter Jayson Blair had fabricated many of his stories and plagiarized the rest.

The ensuing scandal cost the jobs of the Times editor and managing editor and damaged the paper’s credibility for years. The road to recovery was slow. Ten years later, the paper was still feeling the effects.

There are the fundamental steps to redemption in such cases. First is to acknowledge the problem, the mistake. The second is to apologize, sincerely and without qualification. The third is to take steps to make certain the situation does not happen again.

The Times did all of those things and redeemed itself over time through meticulous, accurate reporting and increased oversight of reporters.

The issues of trust and credibility are more complicated in our personal lives.

That is because people do not tell the whole truth all the time. In personal relationships we live by the white lie.

In class I used the example of the husband whose wife asks how she looks in a new dress. (Forgive the misogyny in the example, but most everyone can relate.) The husband responds quickly.

“You look great. I love the dress.” But in his mind he thinks, “I love her but she looks like the Goodyear Blimp.”

Most of our white lies are said to protect the feelings of others or to gain some slight advantage in a relationship or business interaction. But it is a slippery slope.

Even when the motives are good, the little white lies can become bigger white lies until they are not white lies at all. When that happens, we find we are not protecting others, we are lying to protect ourselves.

And lying is not just the commission of an untruth. Sometimes it is the omission of inconvenient truths that are otherwise important. And lies of commission or omission cannot remain hidden forever.

That is what happened with me last week. My little white lies had grown to the point they could not be hidden. As a result, I hurt someone close to me, violated their trust and damaged my credibility.

Instinctively and appropriately, I fell back on the lessons learned in the media world.

I acknowledged the problem and disclosed the truth, fully and without reservation. I apologized sincerely, asking for forgiveness and a second chance. And I explained the steps I would take to make certain my lies would not be repeated again.

It was hard. Emotional. But afterward, I felt unexpected relief. It takes a great deal of personal energy to perpetuate growing white lies.

Of course, the task now is to regain credibility.

That takes time. In the case of The New York Times, it took most of a decade. With loved ones it need not take that long. But personal credibility is built in the same way — a consistent record of truth and personal performance that re-establishes credibility over time.

Of course, being human, I will still engage in little white lies.

“Dear that meal was terrific.” “Honey that dress is one-of-a-kind.” “Dear, let’s watch your movie tonight. You know I always enjoy your choices.”

The big lies do hurt. The little white lies can make life bearable. The key is understanding the difference.