By Mark Azzara
My Dear Friend,
Last Sunday marked the start of Advent, the season when we anticipate the arrival of our Savior. For me that means it’s a season to appreciate more deeply why we need a Savior by learning what we need to be saved from. Advent already is paying off for me.
I recently began the process of trying to figure out whether to make a life-changing decision. I could piously say that my answer will come from prayerfully discerning God’s will but that sentiment, in the abstract, is all just a bunch of words lacking context, real meaning or depth – i.e., it’s code for doing whatever I want while trying to make myself look “holy” in the eyes of others. Those phony words would simply allow me to once again demonstrate my immaturity and “just do it,” as the old Nike ad proclaims.
This time I have done something quite different. By God’s grace I actually stepped back and tried to acquire that essential context, meaning and depth. At the outset I took the uncharacteristic but important step of writing down a list of all the wrong reasons or motivations I could think of for making that decision. And the more I’ve thought about what’s on that list the longer it has gotten.
I offer this list in the hope you will learn something from it. Its real value comes from gnawing on it, as I have. The nourishment it provides is amazing because I am now forced to admit (also by God’s grace) that I actually exhibit many of these feelings, behaviors, prejudices, etc.
I admit the list contains some overlap but I see distinct differences in these reasons, which I divided into three main categories.
I cannot take this step if:
Self-externally focused:
+ I simply want to (i.e., a whim)
+ it provides the means to avoid problems where I am
+ I believe it will solve all my problems
+ it’s because the decision is obvious, a no-brainer
+ it’s because the task is easy and success is certain
+ I’m doing so because everyone else is doing it
+ it’s made out of a false sense of urgency (i.e., “It’s now or never.”)
+ I, as a human being, feel a moral obligation to act (i.e., it’s a moral imperative or the right thing to do, as I define “right”)
+ it’s a quest for self-glorification – i.e., an opportunity to be a do-gooder (e.g., to protect victims from further evil and thus become a hero, or to undo the bad decisions others make, and thus save them from themselves)
+ it expresses my desire to be in control, whether of my life or the lives of others
+ it’s self-serving (i.e., motivated by my desire to gain something for myself)
+ it expresses a yearning for change just for the sake of change (an “adventure”)
Self-internally focused:
+ it’s an immature emotional response (e.g., naïve, simplistic, irresponsible or impetuous)
+ I am acting in willful disregard of reality (i.e., living in a dream world)
+ it’s because I “feel at home” or otherwise identify with the situation(s), place(s) and/or people I will deal with
+ it’s my way of finding validation/acceptance (i.e., combating low self-esteem)
+ I am acting in a desperate, last-ditch pursuit of hope and joy
+ it’s an attempt to understand who I am
+ it’s my way of identifying, and then pursuing, my purpose in life
+ it’s a quest for fulfillment
Spiritual/faith-based:
+ it’s my attempt to atone for sins (mine or anyone else’s)
+ it’s motivated by guilt, shame or fear
+ I am making it to assuage doubts about my faith
+ it’s made without prayer because I am sure God couldn’t possibly disagree with me on this
+ I am obeying a rigid theological mandate or obligation
+ I am obeying a demand from a callous, militaristic, unloving God
+ it’s the price I must pay to get closer to God
+ I am throwing-away what I perceive to be my worthless life by serving God and/or others I perceive to be worthier than me (i.e., false humility)
+ I am seeking a transcendent/other-worldly experience
+ I am impatient with God’s seemingly slow progress in solving perceived problems
+ it’s because I’m fed up waiting for God to give me an answer about what to do
+ it’s a way to avoid God’s will for my life
+ I believe that I know better than God (i.e., attempting to play God)
+ I want to humanly emulate Jesus
+ I feel I must prove to myself, and perhaps to God and/or others, that I am: (a.) Christian (as I define that word); (b.) loved and valued by God; (c.) faithful, trustworthy and/or obedient; (d.) holier/more spiritually mature than others; (e.) deserving of salvation; (f.) capable – i.e., not inept, stupid or a failure; (g.) able to recognize and ignore the misguided, ignorant advice of others; (h.) ready, willing and able to share in Christ’s redemptive spiritual suffering (i.e., to be a martyr); and/or (i.) not a coward (i.e., ready, willing and able to take risks and/or endure human hardship for Christ, or that I am doing/have done so).
Having written down so many wrong reasons for my actions I also owe you my thoughts on the right reasons. Check back next week. In the meantime, enjoy gnawing.
And if you feel like adding to this list or otherwise commenting, feel free. I’d love to learn more through what you have to say.
All God’s blessings – Mark
