Self reliance: The importance of teaching kids to think for themselves

Self reliance: The importance of teaching kids to think for themselves

Commentary By Pete Haug | FāVS News

When our son Dan was in middle school, he loved football. One day his coach invited him to join the Sunday School class Coach taught. From Dan’s birth, we had nurtured him spiritually with Baha’i prayers and teachings, so he asked whether it was okay for him to attend Christian Sunday School. 

Baha’is accept the validity of most religions, from those of Indigenous peoples to global faiths like Hinduism, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, to name a few. Dan knew this, although not yet 15, the age at which Baha’i youth formally enroll.

“Sure,” we told him. “It’s your choice.” 

So Dan began Sunday school with Coach as his teacher. He participated in the Christmas pageant as a king, looking very king-like, all hairy and dignified. The new year brought changes in Coach’s schedule and a new Sunday school teacher replaced him. After a couple of weeks, Dan stopped going. When we asked why, he replied, “He won’t let me ask questions. He tells me just to be quiet and listen.”

The Baha’i Faith encourages independent investigation of truth, as ‘Abdu’l-Baha explained: “…for blind imitation of the past will stunt the mind. But once every soul inquireth into truth, society will be freed from the darkness of continually repeating the past.”

Dan knew this. He was not inclined to take statements from an elder on blind faith. He needed to understand the underlying rationale. All three of our kids, now in their 50s, share this characteristic.

Putting too much trust in ‘authority‘

Still, we all need guidance, kids particularly. Experienced adults — parents, relatives, family friends — often use personal experiences to help youngsters through rough patches. Teachers and clergy perform the same role.  That’s the reason I was saddened to read, in a recent FaVS News post, about two young women who launched a podcast, “Cult Confessions,” to expose sexual trauma they experienced as teenagers, first at the hands of peers, then from clergy — trusted adults —  who discounted and twisted their complaints, transferring guilt to the young women themselves.

Unfortunately, such experiences are not uncommon. Many in positions of trusted authority discount narratives from victims of sexual harassment, or worse. Faith leaders, police officers, judges, even parents commonly respond unsympathetically, suggesting things like “She was asking for it” or “She had it coming.” Shaming a victim can be easier than seeking the truth.

Honesty and courtesy

Until our children were 5 or 6, Jolie and I were pretty much their sole trusted authorities. Close friends and occasional babysitters supplemented that role, but we were their 24/7 go-to’s. When our oldest child started school, we could no longer shield her from the harmful social influences we had previously avoided. We had to re-think parenting, beginning with ourselves.

Instead of listing nebulous do’s and don’ts, we hit on two principles that had to apply to parents and children alike. Even young children can understand courtesy and honesty. By the time ours began school, each child had internalized those behavioral characteristics. So had each parent, because we had tried to model those characteristics in our family. If a child or parent was discourteous, anybody else in the family could call them on it, but it had to be done with honesty and courtesy. Mostly, it succeeded.

Self-reliance

I believe that the interpersonal dynamics in our family, built on those principles, conferred on our children the self-reliance necessary to question questionable authority. We don’t challenge authority simply because we don’t like what it’s telling us. We do it when we have honest reasons, and, we do it courteously, hoping the response will be equally courteous and honest. This attitude is hard to maintain within the context of the zero-sum attitudes and behavior often dominating our society. Because confrontational attitudes permeate interactions from playing fields to politics, we learn to protect ourselves.

Learning to do this, particularly when we’re young and inexperienced, is imperative. As Kristy Vestal, one of the podcasters, advised: “Make sure to question everything. We’re taught to not question. We’re taught to just believe the pastor and believe God. But if you feel like something isn’t right, it’s OK to feel that.”

Independent investigation

Sound advice. Questioning, seeking truth independently, is difficult — but necessary. People don’t always agree. All three of our children have made choices we didn’t initially agree with, but we supported those choices, usually to positive ends.

It all began when each child entered school, and we realized the influence we had in their day-to-day lives would take a different form. Instead of helicoptering, we encouraged them to rely more and more on themselves, on their own decisions, as they matured.

Earlier this month, we celebrated our 63rd wedding anniversary. Our children’s  enduring marriages have given us 10 grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. Indeed, we feel richly blessed.

The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.