I’m OK.
Commentary by Sarah Haug | FāVS News
“Hey, Mom! Let me just say first off that I’m OK.”
More than one of my children has begun a phone conversation this way. This particular child was smart to have alleviated my fears so quickly. Many parents have received far worse calls than I did that day, with the news that my son had spun his car on the highway and come to rest in the median.
While I was incredibly grateful that he was okay, I was painfully aware that the call could have been my worst nightmare. Every day, in the back of every parent’s mind, is the fear of a conversation that doesn’t begin with “I’m OK.” Our current world both preys on and stokes that fear, even before the arrival of COVID-19.
Some of those fears are valid. Of course they are. Others are not. Maybe even most are not.
How do we, as parents, negotiate those fears? How do we, knowing what’s out there, allow our children to walk out of the house every morning? How do we avoid turning ourselves into helicopter parents and/or panic-monsters?
It isn’t by giving them a cell phone with the GPS enabled, though I’ve done that. It isn’t by making them wear helmets, seatbelts or masks, though my children wear all those, too. If only it could be so simple.
How then?
It’s by letting go.
It’s by accepting that our children’s lives are not something we control.
It’s by knowing that every child is a gift from God, given to us to love in a world where bad things happen.
Sometimes those bad things are a consequence of the way God created the universe. A gentle rain becomes a flood. A breeze becomes a hurricane. All life ends ultimately in death.
Other times, those bad things are a consequence of free will, something else God has given us. Every day, humans make decisions, big and small, that negatively affect others: drunk drivers run stop signs; powerful people are swayed by their material desires; co-workers come to work sick.
We grow through adversity, and the only thing we truly control is what we do with what we are given. The Baha’i Faith has a prayer that helps me every day. It begins, “O Lord! Unto Thee I repair for refuge, and toward all Thy signs I set my heart … Whether traveling or at home, and in my occupation or in my work, I place my whole trust in thee …“
The car was totaled.
My son was fine.
It is left to me to be grateful for that gift.
The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.
Margaret Mahler’s separation-individuation theory of child development describes the process of children transitioning from a symbiotic relationship with their mother to a more independent state.
It started on the beach watching mothers and children.
An infant not yet walking would crawl a few feet from mom and look back. If mom was paying attention and smiled, the child would adventure a little farther away, even off the blanket and on to the sand. If the mother was more interested in her book, the child returned to their mothers side. The first, by two was running to the water while the 2nd at 4, 5 and even 8 didn’t feel free to leave the blanket, often protesting as the mother tried pushing them out.
The child needs approval to make steps to independence.
This feeling of self confidence needs to be instilled when young. If not, it becomes harder to learn as they age.