The sacred art of long-distance friendship: A Buddhist guide

The sacred art of long-distance friendship: A Buddhist guide

Commentary by Tracy Simmons | FāVS News

In the last four months, three of my friends have either moved away or announced that they’ll be leaving soon. It’s strange how quickly ‘drinks at our usual spot’ becomes ‘let’s catch up on Zoom sometime.’

I moved around a lot as a kid, though always in the same city. I said goodbye to classmates and neighbors as I headed off to a new school, but I don’t remember ever being sad about it. Moving day was fun for me, because my mom’s friends all came over and helped pack. Someone would bring donuts or pizza, and we’d set off on a new adventure.

In my young adult years I followed a similar pattern. I zigzagged across the country, learning everything I could from a newsroom before venturing off to a new city, and a new paper. I realize now, that I didn’t give much thought about what — and who — I was leaving behind.

I’ve lived in Washington now for 13 years, Pullman for about five. Moving to the Palouse has challenged my deep Spokane friendships. Some have grown stronger, but most have faded. 

I worry the same will happen with my friends who are moving away. 

I’ve come to learn that friendship can be a sacred thing. In Buddhism, for example, it’s a key part of the spiritual path. Spiritual friendship (kalyana mitra) is a relationship that elevates one’s ethical and well-being.

But it requires cultivation.

When I moved from state-to-state before, I stopped nurturing my friendships. I texted on occasion, or liked a Facebook post, but I wasn’t intentional about reaching out and checking in. I was too consumed by the new road ahead of me.

Now I regret those losses, though I cherish the chapters we shared.

I’ve been more deliberate with my Spokane friends, though the reality is that busy lives are a factor in maintaining any long distance relationship.

With my Pullman friends now moving even farther — out of state — I’m pondering how I can do things differently this time around.

Thich Nhat Hahn said being a good friend is key to maintaining kalyana mitra. I want to be a worthy friend, to those nearby, and those afar.

There are four types of ‘worthy friends’ in Buddhism: 

• The helpful friend
• The friend who shares happiness and suffering
• The friend who points out what is good
• The sympathetic friend

No matter where my friends may scatter to, the core principles are the same: showing up with authenticity, consistency and care, though the channels may be different.

I recognize that now.

Maybe that’s the lesson in all of this. Each goodbye isn’t just an ending, but an invitation to grow into a different kind of friend. The donuts and moving boxes of my childhood have been replaced by video calls and text messages, but the essence of friendship — that sacred connection — remains unchanged. I see now what I couldn’t before: these bonds aren’t meant to be left behind like old addresses, but carried forward and treasured, no matter how many miles lie between us.

The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.