Say No or Else

Say No or Else

Commentary by Andy Pope | FāVS News

A while back, I was reminded of the importance of saying “no.”

My greatest challenge is when I try to say no repeatedly to a person who won’t take no for an answer. Eventually, I will explode, I will block/delete that individual, avoid them wherever possible, and inform key people we are not to be in the same building at the same time.

I dislike this skirting of my own issue. I need to learn how to say no politely, kindly and firmly. And in all my years, I have not been practiced at doing so.

Recently I left my apartment of six years and moved to a better apartment in a nicer part of town. In doing so, I could not believe how much junk I had accumulated. Why did I accumulate so much junk? Largely, it was because I didn’t say no when people offered me stuff they didn’t want anymore. My six-drawer dresser, now demolished, was a case in point.

Only three of the six drawers contained clothing. The other three contained items people had given me that I did not want, did not say no to, and threw into the dresser because I didn’t know what else to do with them.

Often when I tried to say no, the person acted as though I couldn’t possibly not want their gift. In some cases, they even seemed offended. Once I got the feeling they wouldn’t take no for an answer, I caved in. I wound up saying yes because it was the easiest way to deal with the increased stress of having to keeping saying no all the time.

Unwanted Junk

As a result, much of the overall stress of getting all my stuff out of the old apartment by a May 31 deadline was increased due to my having to figure out what to do with all the unwanted junk.

I want never to have that much junk in my life again. The only way I can do so is by saying no.

Consider the alternative. What if I were to keep taking the easy way out, and kept saying yes when I should be saying no?

There is no question as to what travesties would transpire.

I would find myself accepting a pair of shoes that weren’t even my size.

I would find myself accepting multiple jars of shaving cream, even though I stopped using shaving cream after my very first shave in 8th grade.

I would find myself taking a plate of spaghetti and three boxes of Girl Scout cookies home with me, even though I do not drive, and I walk to get around. 

Worst of all, I would accept a ride from a suspiciously insistent person:“Don’t you want to ride? Why do you want to walk all the way home? Come on, let me give you a ride! You don’t want a ride? You’re crazy! Why not?”

Aside from that I like to pray while I’m walking home — which let’s face it, is best accomplished when alone —I have observed an eerie phenomenon related to those who insist on giving me rides.

More than once, someone has had an ulterior motive in mind. The reason they want to give me a ride has little to do with a desire to get me home safely. They want to discuss something with me I might not want to discuss.

Perhaps that discussion will include a lecture as to how badly I had behaved at some function we had just intended.

Or maybe they were eager to critique my performance after watching me play the piano.

Worse yet, they were eager to continue a political argument they especially enjoyed.

Not that I won’t humbly receive correction when due, nor am I particularly opposed to arguing politics. I just don’t like to do it when someone else is in the driver’s seat, because there is no way I can put an end to the topic. What am I supposed to do? Jump out of the car when the driver begins to press my buttons?

No thanks. To avoid this unenviable position, I strongly prefer to walk. And pray. And look at the stars. And dream.

A New Start

Here in my new abode, I have been determined to return to a minimalistic life I have often enjoyed. I find minimalism more palatable than a life full of unwanted possessions.

For me, possessions are largely distractions. They bring added responsibilities, and these unnecessary obligations are time thieves. To steward multiple possessions distracts from the finer things in life, the things I actually enjoy: running, music, writing, art and Jesus.

I have also become very soft in the past six years. I have slept on a soft surface for the first time in my life. Why? Because somebody gave me a soft couch. Not only did I not say no, I actually began to sleep on it every night, pampering myself at risk of spinal compression, and losing another inch off my height.

Both couch and dresser have now been demolished.

Oh what a thrill it was to see that couch being sawed away with a buzz saw!

How exciting to see the dresser demolished with a sledgehammer!

Every item of value that was in that dresser now sits on a shelf in my closet, above all my clothing, neatly hung. I do not need a dresser. I do not need a couch.

Throughout most of my life following my divorce in 1991 I have slept on the floor. When I was homeless, I learned the joy of sleeping on two pieces of cardboard with a couple blankets over my body.

I have now returned to that joy. I do not need a bed.

Learning to Refocus on What Is Necessary

Moving, though stressful, has been very exciting. I had become stagnant and complacent in that apartment. I want to have as many books as I would like to read, I could use a backup computer, I could maybe use a couple more articles of clothing and I could sure use an acoustic guitar.

But I cannot for the life of me fathom how having any additional possessions would bless me. It would only add to the many distractions that keep me from functioning effectively as an artist and as a Christian.

I’ll admit I became a bit crabby when multiple people intending to help me kept offering me this, that and the other thing. I did not need this or that, and I certainly didn’t need the other thing.

A couple times, I exploded: “If I want your help, I will ask for it!”

But if we dissect that retort at face value, what about it is so wrong? People often don’t ask for help when they need it. And then, they are deprived of what they need because they failed to ask.

But if numerous people, thinking they know what I might need, ask me if I want this, that or the other thing, all it does is play into my lifelong challenge in saying the word no.

And then, after saying “yes” so many times, when in every case I ought to have said no, I begin to resent these very people — when we all know the problem lies within me.

So, What Does Jesus Say?

Jesus said: “Why do you try to take the log out of your neighbor’s eye, and not first remove the splinter in your own eye? You fool! First take the log out of your own eye, and you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your neighbor’s eye.” (Matthew 7:4-5)

There is no way in God’s heaven I can possibly ask everyone I know not to offer me rides, shaving cream, plates of spaghetti and other things unwanted. All their offerings are mere splinters, compared to the log in my eye.

That log is a lifelong inability to say the word no.

And that is the log that needs to be removed, if I am to accede to the minimalistic life I have longed for — the quiet life I have prayed for.

It begins by saying no.