Ask A Jew: What’s it like to be Jewish at Christmastime? Part 2

What it’s like being a Jew at Christmas can vary from place to place. It can range from not a big deal to very difficult. The reaction from others seems to play the biggest role in how we feel at Christmas.

Growing up in northern New Jersey, Jews were the odd ones out, but were included in December activities. In public school, we had off for Jewish holidays (not Hanukkah, though. It’s actually a very minor holiday). School parties, dance recitals, and school concerts were often “Winter” themed, not Christmas. My public high school winter band/chorus concert included traditional Christmas carols, generic winter songs, and Hanukkah song/traditional Jewish celebration songs. Town squares in my area hosted giant lit trees, nativity scenes, and giant light up Hanukkiot.

As we’ve moved throughout the United States, we found that’s very much not the case everywhere.

It was still isolating even in a heavily Jewish area. When the majority of others are participating in something and we’re not, you feel left out.  It can already be a bit lonely, but it’s much worse when anything other than Christmas not only is completely ignored, but when people actively fight against acknowledging any other holidays. The backlash against “Happy holidays” has always made me particularly sad. Growing up in New Jersey, the Catholic churches had banners that read, “Keep Christ in Christmas,” but I don’t really remember people trying to force him into Hanukkah and every other winter holiday like I’ve seen more and more in the past twenty years.  For some people, “Merry Christmas,” isn’t a wish, but a weapon. That can make this season extremely difficult.  Once, when we lived in Oklahoma and our children were small, a woman asked them what Santa had brought them for Christmas. When they said, “Nothing,” she scoffed, “Then you must have been very naughty.” She was not, by far, the only person to make such comments and there were far worse.

Once we had children, it was a whole new ballgame. Having Jewish children in an area without many Jews required creativity and a great group of welcoming friends.

The big guy with the beard in the red robes actually wasn’t much of a problem. When our children were tiny, my husband and I disagreed over whether we’d tell them he was Gandalf or Dumbledore. My husband deployed one November when our twins were small, and so, our children have always called Santa, “Dumbledore.” They just thought he came to vacation in the States during Hogwart’s winter break.  His sudden absence from the malls after Christmas just meant he had returned to school.

Friends would purposely include Hanukkah in their Christmas parties, even if we were the only Jews they knew. Those parties would have kosher options so we could eat. Even Christian friends would join us at our favorite restaurant for Chinese food on Christmas (no, that’s not just a stereotype. Yes we really do that).  Christian friends were excited to join us for Hanukkah parties.

We appreciate Christian traditions and they can be neat to learn about, but, since we’re not Christian, there’s much that’s simply not for us. There are times when we don’t consider it appropriate to join in the parties. We do avoid parties or events that are overly religious. We also avoid anything that’s exclusively Christian. That’s not for us.  Even some Christmas things that others don’t consider religious, we generally avoid.  No we don’t want to make ornaments. No we don’t want to ask Santa/Dumbledore for gifts. No we don’t have a Christmas tree. Some may not consider those religious, but they’re not for us.

It seems nearly everyone has stories of a friend of a friend who is Jewish and has a Christmas tree. I hear many such stories.  People are often surprised to find we don’t have a Christmas tree. “Do you have a tree,” is the second most common question I’m asked as a Jew (“When’s Hanukkah this year,” is the most common). The majority of Jews, and all observant Jews do NOT have Christmas trees (other than a story about a rabbi whose misguided Irish housekeeper gave him a tree). This can vary for interfaith families, but in general, Jews don’t have Christmas trees. Some people don’t consider trees to be overtly Christian since they come from the pagan tradition, but they’re certainly not Jewish. I realize some consider a tree to be a secular symbol, but Jews do not.

Much of how we experience Christmas time depends on how those around us celebrate. It can be anywhere from extremely isolating to something that’s fun to watch from a distance.