Biblical marriage shouldn’t dictate who or how to love

Biblical marriage shouldn’t dictate who or how to love

Commentary by Janet Marugg | FāVS News

I hardly need more shocks after glancing at daily headlines, but my brain is a master of surprises. Odd, out-of-the-blue “How did I miss that?” surprises, like recognizing something about myself that’s been there all along and I didn’t have a word for it. A word can click like that and validate my experience. 

People diagnosed later in life with things like ADHD and autism express relief by knowing there is a word for what is happening to them. In words there are answers, treatment plans, a future. Diagnostic clarity is transformational. 

Once, in a bout of curiosity, I took a silly internet quiz — “to reveal my hidden signs of lurking ailments.” According to the internet quiz I am near death and should immediately purchase the advertised “lifesaving” supplements. So, I’m sticking with my physician, thanks. 

‘My coming out story’

Valentine’s Day reminds me of another internet quiz I took to find out what I darn well already knew: my sexuality. What supplements would be peddled? Counseling sessions? Personal coaching? I can’t remember any sales pitches now because two words captured my recognition and doubled-clicked for me. Supplement free. According to the internet, I am heterosexual (I knew that much), but am also sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) and a demisexual (not a one-night-stander). Even the internet can get it right sometimes. 

There you have it. My coming out story. I am heterosexual, sapiosexual and demisexual long before I knew the words for them. It also describes the man I married, smart and stick-with-it loyal, my clickiest click. I’m lucky for that. 

Marriage is best if you click with the stick of a coupling contract.

What about biblical marriages and sexuality?

People may be interested to know that there are eight different kinds of marriage in the Bible. In addition to the “one man and one woman” marriage, the Bible describes:  

• Polygamous marriages. A man with more than one wife. 
• Levirate marriages. A widow without a male child must marry her dead husband’s brother, her brother-in-law. 
• A man, a woman and her property — her female slaves. 
• A man, one or more wives, and concubines. 
• A male soldier and a female prisoner of war. 
• A male rapist and his victim. 
• A male slave and a female slave according to their owner. 

When it comes to coupling, the Bible isn’t the highest moral ground or best resource for teaching people about what constitutes a mature modern marital relationship. Is a book that demonstrates bad marriage and poor human relationship management worthy of dictating who can couple today?

Dictated coupling

For complex sexuality and marital relationship advice, the Bible is less useful than an internet quiz, and there is barely anything there that clicks for me. 

To me, couple control (managing who can be with who) is a form of human trafficking. According to cult experts, Stephen Hassan and Janja Lalich, as well as executive director of the Cult Education Institute, Rick Alan Ross, controlled coupling is a marker of a destructive religious cult. David Koresh, Warren Jeffs, Sun Myung Moon (remember the Moonies?), etc., controlled coupling.

What are we to think of main-stream Christianity’s anti-LGBTQ+ marriage efforts to control who can couple? I think it’s culty is what I think. 

Disturbing to me as a Bible reader, is that Jesus did not say one word about LGBTQ+ marriage or LGBTQ+ people. Why the institutional bait and switch? How are Jesus followers to justify supporting such misaligned institutional priorities? Is it moral to support an institution that harms people by couple control and forced marriage?

Silence congeals in my throat. Like Christopher Hitchens, I can “Never be a spectator to unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” 

There is perhaps a greater problem, a doctrinal flaw regarding couple control in the religion of my birth (Christianity) that teaches that God is love and people should seek God/It/Love — there should be no surprise when people find love outside the couple-control doctrine or church. 

Don’t limit opportunities to love

As far as I can tell, the whole universe is filled with opportunities to love, and it continues to expand at an ever-accelerating rate, taking the hearts and minds of humanity with it. From Russian author, Leo Tolstoy, “If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.” 

A pulse never disappoints, but a heart that loves is a good thing and more likely to be healthy and to benefit humanity. For the hard reductionist: ethical institutions do no harm. Forced marriage of all kinds and dictating who can marry and couple among consenting adults is harmful and restrictive to the human potential to love. As in one another.

The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.