By Rev. Elizabeth Stevens | FāVS News Columnist
Unitarian Minister Ralph Waldo Emerson told the graduating class at Harvard Divinity School in 1838, “The true preacher can be known by this, that he deals out to the people his life, – life passed through the fire of thought.” At the time, his remarks were considered controversial, but this idea took root in the hearts and communities of our spiritual ancestors. Then, the role of the minister shifted. His point was that ministers should speak from experience, rather than simply conveying stale theology and traditional interpretations of biblical passages.
When I was ordained, back in 2000, I knew I wasn’t called to be an expert or an authority. I wasn’t special; ordination didn’t convey superpowers or elevated status. While my job is to support and lead a religious community, ministry as a job is mostly about being human for a living. To do it well, though, one must be thoughtfully, mindfully human, with a practice of looking for the deeper meanings that are hiding in life’s corners and cracks. Ministers move through the world with eyes peeled to see something holy in every person, every situation and every moment.
This particular way of approaching things changes a person. You learn a lot. You get exposed to an incredible richness of diverse experiences and personalities. You have to be faithful to the work of personal growth and development, so that your own filters and wounds and weird habits don’t get in the way. Twenty-five years after my ordination, I still feel like I have plenty left to learn. Yet anniversaries seem to invite retrospection and reflection, so I’d like to offer some of the things I’ve learned in the last 25 years of being human for a living.
Just show up
The first lesson I learned was to just show up. One of the members of my internship committee lost her husband suddenly and tragically to a widow-maker heart attack. I sent a card, but I didn’t reach out to offer a visit. I didn’t want to come across as intrusive or presumptuous. She had a ‘real’ minister, and I knew he was offering her excellent pastoral care. When we finally connected, she explained that I should have shown up for her. Gently but clearly, she said, “You need to show up. That’s your job.”
There have been many moments since when I’ve hesitated to reach out, afraid that my presence might be unwanted or inadequate. But I hear her voice reminding me that it’s my job. Just show up. Pick up the phone. Walk into the hospital room or the parlor of the funeral home or the police station.
The second lesson is that the human spirit is almost infinitely resilient. When a person can face squarely into whatever they are dealing with, they find a way forward. I remember one young woman whose spouse had recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This came to light because he had spent all their savings and left them tens of thousands of dollars into debt. They were about to lose their home. At the time, she was a stay-at-home mother, with a toddler and a baby on the way, and no marketable skills. Things felt completely overwhelming.
I didn’t do much. I had no advice or wisdom to offer. I just listened, and sympathized, and made those little noises that we humans make when we are feeling compassion for someone. After a while, she became less agitated, more settled. More importantly, she figured out what she needed to do next. Her epiphany didn’t hold the solution to her problems or the answers to her questions. The way forward doesn’t show up all at once. But she was able to see the next right thing. Clarity arrives one small step at a time.
We need each other
Another lesson that I’ve learned and relearned over and over again is that no one can do this alone. We think that strength means never asking for help, but rugged individualism creates a dangerous brittleness in us. Meanwhile, being vulnerable with one another creates networks of mutual care and support and we become truly resilient.
In ministry, and in other professions where there’s a culture that makes it risky to show weakness or ask for help (like law enforcement, medicine, the military, etc.), we see higher rates of addiction, depression and suicide than we see in the general population. Isolation and loneliness have become a national health crisis. These animal bodies of ours evolved to be tribal omnivores. We need one another in more ways than we can even name.
One final lesson: In the end, love always wins. When I trace it back, pretty much every act that I’d categorize as ‘evil’ is motivated by some flavor of fear. Greed is a fear of scarcity. Oppression rises out of fear of difference, which dehumanizes ‘the other.’ Violence expresses a fear of powerlessness. And so forth. Meanwhile, acts motivated by love most often make the world a little bit better.
Inciting fear in people is an extremely effective way to motivate and control them. Fear stimulates our amygdala, pushes us into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and takes our higher cognitive functions offline. History is full of examples of leaders — both religious and secular — using fear to manipulate their followers and justify harmful acts.
Love, meanwhile, is also powerful, but it works slowly. Love changes the world one heart at a time. When people allow themselves to care about another person, or about the planet, or about anything, really, they will voluntarily shift their behavior in a positive direction.
I will confess, my faith that love always wins has been shaken lately. But the choice to believe something is strategic. Choosing to believe that fear and hate might drown out the call of love pretty much guarantees I sink into despair. So I will choose, instead, to keep believing that love always wins.
The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News. FāVS News values diverse perspectives and thoughtful analysis on matters of faith and spirituality.
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