By Julie A. Ferraro | FāVS News Reporter
The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News.
Growing up with a large family — my maternal grandparents, between them, had over 30 siblings, and I never really figured out how many brothers and sisters my paternal grandparents had. It was a lot; I attended scores of weddings, and many funerals starting in the 1960s.
Whether celebrating or mourning, one aspect of these gatherings was the food: a typical Midwestern Polish meal: fried chicken, Polish sausage, buttered noodles, sweet and sour cabbage (slightly different than sauerkraut), green beans, biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy, and countless pies with lots of whipped cream topping.
To this day, I can’t remember the names of all the cousins, aunts and uncles I met through those years, but one thing still bothers me: how the obituaries for the deceased relatives always managed to contain inaccuracies or typographical errors.
In those early days of my life, funeral directors filled out forms with blank spaces, adding dates and key facts about the loved one based on the grieving family member’s memories. More recently, people write their own obituaries in advance, or the family can compose sentimental tributes without being restricted by how many words or lines can be filled — charged exorbitant rates by various publications.
Errors that endure
And, still, there are errors.
For someone like me, whose job involves proofreading letters, documents, articles, etc., I am amazed at how these issues continue to occur.
Or, how the planning of a funeral service can go so wrong because people insert their viewpoint where it doesn’t belong. Instead, they foul up what should be a respectful, touching tribute to the deceased, whose wishes should be honored.
A common misconception, for example, is that vowed members of religious communities automatically want to be cremated these days. That’s not the case!
Indeed, the amount of space in cemeteries where priests, brothers and nuns have been buried for decades is at a premium as properties are sold or surrounding acreage is developed into housing. But, if an individual chooses to have a traditional burial, that should take place without arguing about the details.
Conversely, if someone wishes to have a “green burial” — without embalming or all the bells and whistles customarily organized by funeral directors — why should anyone raise objections that such practices are disrespectful to the physical body?
Yes, the scriptural passage about “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” applies to all of us. But, whether it takes 30 days for a body to be reduced to compostable material, or 30 years of lying in a casket underground, is there a difference?
The heart of the service
For the services — whether in a church, the funeral home or the graveside – what is important is celebrating the person’s life. A lot of movies, television dramas and comedies over the years have injected inappropriate elements into these proceedings, to shock or elicit laughter, but reality should avoid such extremes.
If people are to be allowed to deliver eulogies, or remembrances, the presider should not arbitrarily decide to skip that part of the service. If specific Scripture readings, or poetry or reflections are selected, no one should override those decisions in favor of “something more suitable to the occasion.”
When it comes to music, the same can be said. Individuals have certain hymns or songs that convey their beliefs, their joys, their sorrows. These should not be relegated to a prelude or other point outside the service, because the songs aren’t “liturgically correct” or “acceptable.”
It is frequently said, “Funerals are for the living.” This is, of course, true, because the soul of the dearly departed has already moved on to that eternal reward, or however those grieving the loss wish to view the afterlife.
Those who remain have had a key part of their hearts torn away, and the pain can be tremendous. What is most comforting is knowing that the one who has passed is still held close, best displayed when their wishes expressed are observed to the full.
That includes, in the case of presiders at the services, pronouncing the deceased’s name correctly. I’ve stood in the front pew when the parish priest — claiming close personal knowledge of the deceased — mispronounced her name repeatedly, proving he didn’t know her at all.
Each individual’s death is unique, and what follows is an opportunity to share the faith they held dear with the living. The opinions of others — or their own version of that faith — should not ruin the final gathering of those who loved the departed as they comfort each other.
FāVS News uses professional journalists and thoughtful commentary to explore faith, values and ethics. Support journalism like this by making a tax-deductible donation. FāVS is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit.
