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We cannot heal society with the tools that burned it down
After attacks on vulnerable communities, advocates say rebuilding trust through relationships is key to preventing violence.
By Terry Kyllo | FāVS News Columnist
The views expressed in this opinion column are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the views of FāVS News.
The attack on a mosque in California is heartbreaking. It is also terrifyingly familiar.
After violence against Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, Indigenous people, Black churches, immigrants, LGBTQ+ people, as well as violence against those considered conservative, we often hear the same question: “How could this happen?”
The answer is always complicated. But some patterns are becoming impossible to ignore.
We are living through a time when loneliness is growing, trust between groups is collapsing and more people are hearing about one another through angry algorithms and third parties instead of through actual relationships.
Human beings survive through cooperation. Every society depends on a basic social contract — shared trust that we will restrain harm, tell the truth, protect children, respect dignity and work together so communities can survive and thrive.
But many people increasingly believe that other groups have broken that contract.
They believe other groups are dangerous, unreasonable, immoral and a threat to “people like us.”
In the United States, this fear is layered onto a long history of contradiction. We say, “all are created equal.” But for much of our history, many people were treated as though not all people were fully people.
The trauma of slavery, genocide, exclusion, segregation, antisemitism, Islamophobia and many other forms of dehumanization did not disappear. Those wounds still shape our society today. And now all of this is amplified by what I often call a 360-degree dehumanization machine.
A machine built for outrage
Social media platforms profit from outrage because fear captures attention. Political leaders gain power by dividing people against one another. Media ecosystems increasingly reward suspicion, humiliation and conflict. It is easy to spread fear.
There is a reason nearly every major religious and wisdom tradition warns against slander, gossip, false witness and dehumanization. These behaviors attack trust itself — the very thing that makes the human community possible. When trust collapses, violence becomes easier.
People begin to believe their neighbors are enemies. Some begin to believe violence is justified.
Others simply look away. Then one day another house of worship is attacked. Another child hides in fear. Another family wonders if they are safe in the country they call home.
And afterward people ask, “Why is this happening?”
Bridge building is not optional
Bridge building is often dismissed as “cute.” Or “nice to have.” Or secondary to the “real” work. But bridge building is not cute. The need for bridge building is acute.
It is urgent. Because we cannot rebuild trust using the same tools that destroyed it. You cannot build a house with the same tools used to burn it down.
Fear alone cannot heal fear. Humiliation cannot restore dignity. Isolation cannot rebuild community.
Trust is rebuilt across tables, through relationships, through shared stories and through cooperation between groups.
At Paths to Understanding we have learned a few important things about bridge building.
First, relationships between groups matter more than occasional symbolic events. Real trust grows when communities repeatedly show up for one another over time.
Second, leaders matter. Not just the outliers who are already comfortable crossing boundaries, but trusted leaders inside communities who can help entire groups move toward one another.
Third, bridge building must move heart to heart, not just idea to idea. Facts matter. But human beings are not primarily changed through arguments alone. People change through relationships, experiences, vulnerability and shared humanity.
This is why faith communities, service clubs, schools, nonprofits and civic organizations matter so deeply right now. We need a mass activation of people willing to rebuild the social contract. Not through slogans, performative outrage and endless online warfare.
But through the slow, courageous work of helping people know one another again. The goal is not simply to “be nice.” The goal is to create the conditions where fewer people are drawn toward violence in the first place.
A society where fewer parents must fear for their children at worship and where fewer people feel isolated enough to hate strangers. A society where dignity is protected before tragedy happens.
This work is difficult. It is slow. It can feel painfully small compared to the scale of the problem.
But history shows that societies survive when ordinary people choose cooperation over dehumanization. Check out our Potluck Project toolkit and get started.
The future will not be built by fear alone. It will be built by people willing to sit across tables, protect one another’s humanity and practice the hard work of belonging.
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