Silence isn’t always golden: Ringing in the New Year as an estranged parent
Commentary by Lisa Ormond | FāVS News
Another Christmas day and the phone didn’t ring. A deafening silence.
Often, I sit with puzzlement asking myself — how did we get here? What happened that caused such an extreme, desperate response for separation. Him? Us? Does it really matter now?
Estrangement is an emotional sinkhole that many struggle to climb out of. My husband and I are the parents of a 30-year-old son who has chosen to estrange us for over two and half years. We now consider ourselves members of the estranged parent community. There are many groups to join. When my husband and I decide to be vulnerable and talk with others about our family estrangement situation, we discover we are not alone as others reveal similar stories to us.
At times, the family estrangement dynamic can be all consuming, unsettling and often darn depressing not only for us but also for loved ones caught in the middle. Estrangement is dividing families at an alarming rate across our country, and some experts even say it is an epidemic in our society.
A shadow hovers
According to the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology, estrangement is defined as
n.
- a state of increased distance or separation from oneself or others. See alienation.
- a significant decrease or discontinuation of contact with individuals with whom one formerly had close relationships, such as a spouse or family member, due to apathy or antagonism. — estranged adj.
Speaking as a parent who has been eliminated from the life of our elder son, estrangement is a painful stab in the heart that continues to bleed even after it scabs over. The wound may heal, but an invisible, permanent scar remains.
Words that hurt
“I’m never coming to Idaho; I never want to see you again; and I’m blocking yours and mom’s cell phone numbers. I don’t want to hear from you unless someone is in the hospital.” These were our son’s parting words to us before the estrangement commenced. A harsh delivery of sudden outbursts of definitive demands and anger.
What soon followed the breakage of our relational bonds were these additional conditions:
“You’re not invited to my engagement party.”
“You’re not invited to my wedding.”
And most recently, at the end of September, “My daughter was born, and I still want to maintain the space between us.”
Honor we do. Honor we go with confusion. But we acknowledge he is an adult and can make his own choices involving his relationships that make sense to him. We have respected and followed his wishes despite not receiving an explanation for his actions. Additionally, we are forbidden to send cards, gifts and offer love.
Much to consider and learn
My husband and I strive to listen and educate ourselves about adult-child estrangement from personal conversations and reading information from multiple sources. Rejection from someone you love shifts you into a grieving space. It takes a level of courage and willingness to seek help and understanding.
What We’ve Learned So Far…
- Pray, especially for peace
- Every family estrangement situation is unique
- Don’t dwell on the ‘What If’s’
- Embrace daily joy and focus on what is important
- Remain patient, listen and offer mercy
- Celebrate and love your estranged child from afar
Living life with gratitude
Time passes, and so do holidays, but not the memory of the severance. Joyfully, events rekindle the ultimate euphoria we felt when our son was born and miraculously entered our lives but also the sadness of his parting.
We wonder.
Does he think about us? If he does, what does he feel — regret, loss, anger, maybe relief? We love him and want him to find peace.
We are grateful for our close friends and family who continue to offer kindness and support as we traverse this difficult relational hurdle. Words cannot explain what it means to have compassionate, nonjudgmental people giving you a hug and offering a smile especially during the holidays and memorable life events that make us think of him.
Hoping for communication and connection
With the New Year upon us, our hearts remain open for reconciliation someday. We understand this likely may not occur right away based on research about estranged adult children’s patterns of return.
When we look back to how we parented our estranged son during childhood and early adulthood, we are struck with our loving commitment to be there for him unconditionally, which did not involve neglect, abuse or other trauma-related happenings in our household that would prompt this sort of response for separation. But here we are. We wait.
In one of the most well-known parables in the Bible, the Prodigal son, the younger son demands his share of heritance and abruptly leaves his family. Then, the son becomes destitute and humbled and returns home. His father welcomes him back with open arms and a joyful celebration of reunion.
Coming together
It seems to me most humans go on a walk-about sometime in their lives in search of themselves seeking clarity, truth and purpose. The message of love and willingness to forgive no matter how far one has wandered still rings true as an important Christian value to embrace.
Healing can happen with patience and a willingness to see all perspectives. My son’s empty seat at our family’s table remains open should he decide to return.
Heart wrenching column, Lisa. You are brave to share your experience. Ir speaks to the brokenness we all experience in one way or another. May your faith help sustain you.
Thank you, Walter, for sharing how you felt from reading my column. It means much to me to hear what you have to say! Yes, faith is the rock in this situation. I recognize we all have human situations we embrace this way–likely.
Thank you for writing this. I immediately thought of the prodigal son before you mentioned it. I was semi-estranged from my father for a number of years. He was suffering from his own struggles and family of origin issues, but as a young man, I didn’t understand that (who really does, since we don’t talk about it in “polite society”) so I had a hard time forgiving him until a friend pointed out that Jesus forgave those who crucified Him even at the moment He was being crucified.
I saw him occasionally but there was no real relationship until we both got over our egos and, thankfully, I was able to have a good relationship with him during the final five years of his life.
Blessings and prays for you, Lisa. It was nice meeting you this evening.
Hi Mark, thank you for sharing your own story of ‘hope’ –it a true testament how are our own will can unite instead of divide and then a flow of love can possibly come. It can happen! Our meeting was a welcomed door–to go through to say hello and find commonality. It was joyous!
As soon as I unchoke, I’m calling my kids. I’m sure I have that forever “I love you” to say while I can. This is the power of words to move us! I’m glad I checked out favs.news today — thank you.
Janet, please have a wonderful call with your kids! Don’t waste a moment of those precious connections you can make now–to be cherished.