Word of the Year
A few years ago, I tried the “Word of the Year” thing. Having a focal point for an entire year was helpful, so I’ve tried to keep that practice.
This past year, although I never wrote it down, my word was “weakness.” As in, “when I am weak then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). This verse took on a new meaning for me this year; I had my first panic attack. I’ve had a few this year, and I have never felt weaker. I’ve had to accept my limitations.
I’m not talking about remembering to put my feet up or my phone down; when I say, “accept limitations” I mean evicting a family member from my house. I mean, telling my boss I can’t keep stringing together childcare, and quitting my job of over 10 years to live on my husband’s income. I mean putting my dog down.
In all these things, an outsider could see my choices as selfish, privileged, and/or heartless. I had to make these choices in the face of confusion or opposition. I had to fail my own expectations and the expectations of others.
I felt weak, even though those choices are some of the most difficult ones I’ve ever made. I am seeing that I am not only allowed to be weak, but that being “strong” for so long has wrecked my nervous system. I don’t know when I will be able to have a disagreement, without my heart racing again. I also am seeing that being weak hasn’t been the end of the world.
Making mistakes hasn’t qualified me for mistreatment. Believing that my human frailty qualifies me for mistreatment is still something I am trying to unlearn. I’m still trying to unlearn the certainty that my feelings don’t matter. I’m working through a lot. Underneath the anxiety is layers of hurt, some of it confusing even to me.
I probably could use another year that unpacks the term, “weakness.” Maybe several. But as it happens, 2022 has come and with it renewed hope, this time not in my own abilities.
Moving forward in faith, I want this to be the year I ditch self-reliance. Faith is a synonym for trust, and I have a lot of room to grow here. It took me 35 years to feel weak; strong people don’t tend to have much use for faith. I needed to be weak this past year.
Now it’s time to let God be my strength.
