By Matthew Kincanon | FāVS News Columnist
Men are currently facing a mental health crisis.
Not only are they suffering from issues including anxiety, depression and substance abuse, but, according to the CDC, men experienced suicide four times higher than women in 2023, and the NIH found in 2022 that around 42% of men with any mental illness received mental health treatment. The same work from the NIH found that around 57% of women received mental health treatment in comparison.
The current crisis has led to some men turning toward toxic role models and harmful online communities to address it, resulting in them engaging in routines and behaviors that are actually dangerous. What may appear to be empowering is only going to hurt them more and turn toward self-destructive behaviors while portraying self-care as weakness.
The harmful effects of the manosphere
In search of answers to feel more secure about themselves, seek validation and address their problems, some young men have subscribed to communities in the manosphere. According to UN Women, the core values of these online communities include the worth of a man being measured by emotional control, material wealth, physical appearance and dominance.
The content posted in these communities appear to be about self-improvement, but reinforces male stereotypes and values material possessions. Some content discourages men from feeling sad or vulnerable and instead results in them responding with anger and aggression.
While the advice of these influencers make a lot of their viewers feel motivated and gives them a greater sense of purpose, a survey from the Movember Foundation found that young men who watched masculinity influencers were more likely to report worse mental health outcomes, to not prioritize their mental health, and to experience higher rates of risky health behaviors.
Participants in the survey were found to experience higher levels of worthlessness, nervousness and sadness when compared to those who didn’t engage with influencers. Besides not prioritizing their mental health, they were also found to not see spending time with friends and family as important in the pursuit of success, and prioritized getting fit and making investments.
Some of these influencers, according to the survey, also encourage young men to push beyond their limits to improve their finances, sex life and physique and address bad habits such as drinking too much and instead prioritize their physical health. However, other influencers have caused men to become obsessed with their physical appearance, leading to behaviors such as working out despite being injured, and using steroids and diet pills.
They also advise men to become fully self-reliant and solve their problems on their own. On the emotional side of things, most viewers believe that men should be stoic in order to control their emotions. However, the rigidness of it, according to the survey, has been linked to them not asking for help and negatively affecting how they connect with people.
While some of the advice they give is good, the fact that young men come out with poor mental health shows the point of it is to achieve social dominance and attract women rather than doing it solely for themselves. If they can’t achieve alpha male status then they feel they have failed as men.
Toxic role models
Some men are looking up to fictional characters like Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho.” This character displays characteristics such as narcissism, misogyny, sadism and a lack of empathy.
For young men, he is well-groomed, wealthy, powerful, has a fiancé, responds with anger and aggression and has the stereotypical traits of male gender norms.
Some may say Bateman practices self-care as shown in the opening scene where he goes through his morning routine. He talks about the products he uses for his hair and skin, he eats a balanced diet and exercises every morning.
His workout routine became a trend on TikTok in 2022, and Men’s Health Australia wrote about how it requires putting your body under a very restrictive diet and an intense workout regimen. Where it gets dangerous is many people would cut corners, such as using steroids, to achieve Bateman’s physique quickly.
While on the surface Bateman looks like someone with a well-structured routine that meets his needs, the reasons behind it are shallow.
Before he says his name, Bateman states where he lives; his material possessions and status are more important than his identity. His routine is entirely founded on narcissism and maintaining superiority compared to his peers. This is shown in the famous business card scene where he and his colleagues try to one-up each other with their cards before they crumble after seeing Paul Allen’s card.
For Bateman, his status is his identity. His routine, like some masculinity influencers, is based on a superficial goal of becoming dominant rather than doing it because it makes him feel good.
My at-home, self-care practices
Self-care shouldn’t be rooted in arrogance, superiority, luxury, dominance, getting attention from women or approval. It should be rooted in self-respect and holding yourself to a high regard. You understand that you deserve to be clean, smell nice and look good because you are worthy of feeling good. It’s more than feeling fresh; it’s also an expression of self-love.
For me, I’ve spent the last several years building a list of various self-care activities that have helped my mental health, improved self-love and boosted my confidence. I don’t do them to become more attractive or achieve a certain status, but because they make me feel good.
Some of these include journaling, reading fantasy books, creative writing, playing with a racket ball I’ve had since I was a kid, watching cartoons, playing video games, listening to binaural beats and 174 hz frequency music, taking showers or hot baths and going on walks at night. I also watch YouTube channels like Psych2Go that focus on mental wellness.
I let myself feel sad and reflect on what’s causing it so I can process it and build myself back up again. I journal about my emotions, practice mindfulness, blow off steam and look for healthy ways to manage my feelings. Letting yourself feel emotions other than anger or happiness isn’t weakness; it’s how you develop emotional intelligence.
Professional self-care services I receive
Other self-care practices I have involve seeing several professionals. These include getting my hair cut and dyed every month, massages, facials and, more recently, pedicures. I’ve also been seeing a therapist every month since college, and he has been a major help in me processing through difficult times and improving myself.
While several of these things have historically been marketed toward women, men don’t realize these services can help with mental health and general wellness. Seeing my barber Less Wong (at The Barbers on Grand) and my stylist Kristina Kenagy (owner of Nine. Intuitive Salon) every month boosts my confidence and helps me feel in tune with my inner self.
The massages I get from Jamie DeAndre (owner of Enlightened Hands Massage) help me with sleep and stress. She also noticed issues with my back and pointed me toward seeing a chiropractor. I found out I had several problems and now get my neck and back checked out every two weeks to avoid developing issues such as arthritis.
The facials are relaxing and make my skin feel great, and Nikki Muscolino at Sola Salons told me how to take better care of my skin in general. I now use exfoliating soaps to keep my skin hydrated. More recently, I got my first pedicure and not only was the experience amazing, I also noticed a difference in my posture and how my back felt. After seeing Kendra Yoerger at Sola Salons, I noticed my feet didn’t hurt like before when I walked, everything felt more balanced, and I stood straighter than before.
The therapy sessions I’ve received over the years have helped me process difficult times, advocate for myself, work through personal problems and establish a strong foundation for self-love and self-improvement.
I appreciate what all of these professionals have done for me since I’ve met them. They’re not only talented in their fields, but they’re also amazing people who have helped me find ways to improve self-love and take better care of myself. Since seeing them, I’ve gotten better at loving who I am, understanding my value and showing up for myself.
I don’t do these things out of luxury, vanity or because I don’t know how to be self-reliant. I do them to make myself feel good and show myself that I deserve to feel that way. Asking for help, wanting to care for yourself, and allowing others to show you how you can do that does not mean you’re weak. It means you’re taking charge of your well-being and making yourself stronger for it.
I’m not the only guy who gets these kinds of services. A growing number of men are getting spa treatments, too.
According to a 2019 article from American Spa Magazine, 64% of men surveyed got massages, 25% received skincare services, and 12% received a nail service over a year. The Associated Press also reported in 2019 that male spa customers went up from 29% in 2005 to 49% in 2017.
While marketing strategies of the past 100 years and societal shifts have portrayed these self-care routines as feminine and the “ideal man” is seen as rugged and avoids anything involving pampering, according to a blog post from NYC Massage & Spa, the recent trend is helping men see the physical, mental and emotional benefits of these services.
Self-care equals self-respect
I’m not saying all men need to do all these services or activities to practice self-care, but rather they should engage in healthy ones that help them feel good, prioritize their well-being, boost their confidence and remind themselves that they are worthy of love and acceptance. They shouldn’t be afraid to try certain activities or services because of the stigma surrounding them as being not “traditionally masculine.”
Taking care of your hair, skin, muscles and feet is a sign of showing yourself respect and holding yourself to a high regard.
The same applies to when you engage in activities at home that nurture your emotions and mental health. That could be meditation, journaling, listening to music that helps you reflect or doing a hobby that breathes life into you. Whatever helps you cope with life and struggles in a healthy way is always worth doing.
Self-care is a strength because you live intentionally and authentically and build your self worth. It’s not about impressing people or getting attention from women. It’s about finding your own happiness and living confidently.
Self-care is taking ownership of your well-being
Taking care of yourself in the ways I described is not masculine or feminine; it’s human. Self-care is not gendered nor is it a sign of weakness. It’s a display of taking ownership of your well-being and addressing problems that affect you mentally, physically and emotionally. Doing that takes strength and dedication because addressing all three of those fields is no easy feat.
Growth and healing aren’t easy and quick. They take time and require commitment.
Quite a few men are going to the manosphere to address the isolation they’re experiencing and hope to find the key to getting girlfriends and approval.
The old saying goes “the key is confidence.” For men, taking care of yourself is an authentic way to find confidence. When you learn to love yourself, accept who you are and live intentionally, you will become more sure of yourself and confident as a result. Once you do, others will notice it.
The confidence you often find in the manosphere is just arrogance and insecurity in disguise. Confidence is what you naturally exude when you feel secure about who you are and your values.
Shower to respect your body, dress in clean clothes that reflect your personality to express yourself, care for your appearance because you like how it feels and relax because you deserve peace. You can’t love another person until you learn to love yourself first.
Remember to be kind and that you are strong and loved
Instead of looking to masculinity influencers for answers, some healthier role models you should look to are artist Bob Ross (who was a master sergeant in the U.S. Air Force), TV host and minister Fred Rogers, conservationist Steve Irwin, actor and physician Evan Adams and actor LeVar Burton. These men encapsulate wholesomeness and have values that all men should adopt.
And if you want a fictional example of strength, here is a clip of Waymond’s famous monologue from “Everything Everywhere All At Once.”
In the film, we’re shown an alternate Waymond who is an alpha male who can perform martial arts and has traditional masculine qualities. However, the one with the greatest strength and resilience is the Waymond we were told to perceive as weak. He is kind, gentle and vulnerable, and plays a pivotal role in helping Evelyn succeed in the end.
“When I choose to see the good side of things, I’m not being naive,” he says. “It is strategic and necessary. It’s how I’ve learned to survive through everything.”
For men that are struggling out there with depression and isolation, I’m also leaving a link to this one scene from “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” where Fred Rogers asks journalist Lloyd Vogel to do an exercise with him in remembering those who loved them into being. Watch the clip, reflect and remember that you are loved.
Take it from a man who has struggled with isolation, anxiety, depression and finding love before, everything will gradually get better once you first learn to love yourself, ask for help, be kind and be comfortable in your own skin. You’ll find ways to develop emotional intelligence, resilience and confidence when you show up for yourself.
The first step into caring for yourself, accepting yourself and becoming stronger is knowing that you are loved and worthy of it.
