Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little: Why gossip never heals conflict

By Mark Griswold | FāVS News Columnist

To say there’s a lot of conflict in the world today would be an understatement. Wars rage globally. Violence erupts in our cities. But perhaps most insidious is the quieter kind — conflict that simmers in our everyday interactions. If we’re honest, we’re often part of the problem. Even a muttered insult at a careless driver — something he’ll never hear — sows discord. It may not create strife between us and another person, but it disturbs our own souls. And if we’re not at peace within ourselves, how can we hope for peace with others?

So how do we heal?

When Gossip Becomes the Problem

I recently witnessed an incident in my community that, transported to a small Iowa town a 113 years ago, was comically similar to Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn’s “Pick-A-Little Ladies” in  “The Music Man.”  Someone got offended by someone else and began gossiping about it over a group text thread that I somehow was added to. I’m not even sure why I was included, but it quickly devolved into a pearl-clutching gossip session. I only pray that the victim of this gossip, this poor “Marian the Librarian” does not get wind of it.

Now, I’m no saint. Far from it. Some might say I’m gossiping now. But since I’ve kept this anonymous and use it only to illustrate a point, I think I’m in the clear. I used to enjoy a good argument — chalk it up to the Greek in me, or maybe just the human condition. Conflict draws us in. That’s why it leads the news: “If it bleeds, it leads.” But these days, I try to avoid it when I can. Life is full of conflict, though, and burying our heads in the sand is not a solution either. 

So again, how do we heal?

A Biblical Blueprint for Healing

Matthew 18:15-20 offers guidance. Though written for the Christian community, its wisdom is broadly applicable.

Step one: “Go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.”

How we do this matters as much as the act itself.

In Hebrew, the word “Satan” means “accuser” or “adversary.” The devil’s modus operandi is sowing conflict through accusation. He doesn’t lead with grace. Grace is antithetical to his nature. He leads with condemnation. 

In the situation I described, the right response would’ve been for the apparently aggrieved person to approach the other directly and with grace. It’s entirely possible the other person didn’t even realize they’d done anything wrong. And, frankly, the offense was so minor that the aggrieved person should have just let it lie. But if it truly needed to be addressed, grace — not a group gossip session — was the appropriate starting point.

If the private conversation fails, step two is to “take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”

Leading With Love, Not Condemnation

Again, this must be done with humility, not mob pressure. The presence of neutral witnesses adds weight and accountability and can also help defuse tension and promote reconciliation, the neutral witnesses being less emotionally invested and less likely to mistake revenge for justice.

If the first two steps fail, then we are to bring the matter before the congregation. In secular terms, this might mean escalation to leadership or even legal authorities, depending on the severity. The hope remains the same, repentance and reconciliation.

The final step, “If the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

This is what the Catholic Church refers to as excommunication — a concept widely misunderstood by many non-Catholics and even some practicing Catholics.

Excommunication is not condemnation. Jesus often interacted with tax collectors and Gentiles as well as others who were not living up to their full purpose. Matthew himself was a tax collector. The goal is restoration, not rejection. It’s a spiritual time-out — a space for reflection and change. It also protects the community from ongoing harm. Sometimes, separation is necessary not because we hate someone, but because their presence has become toxic — to themselves, to us, or to others.

Faith is an invitation, not a kidnapping. While I believe the Catholic Church is Christ’s true church, no one was meant to force another to remain in it. If someone departs over irreconcilable differences, we can still love them — perhaps from a distance — and trust that God’s work in their life isn’t over.

So how do we heal?

We begin by confronting conflict privately, not by gossiping or doxxing those we disagree with on social media, many of whom we’ve never met and knew nothing about until someone else told us we should be angry. 

We lead with love and grace. We examine ourselves first, removing the log from our own eye before addressing the speck in our neighbor’s. And not everything requires confrontation. As Ann Landers once wrote, “Don’t let other people live rent-free in your head.” Even when something must be addressed, we must ask ourselves, Are we the ones called to address it?

The Serenity Prayer, written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, offers a fitting guide:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things [or people] I cannot change,
Courage to change the things [or people] I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

If we can live this way — gracefully, humbly, and with courage — then perhaps healing is possible not only for ourselves, but for our communities and our world.